Coaches: Consider taking a stand against the decline of appropriate sideline parenting and for the development of your players as future men.
Feel free to copy this coaches guide as well as the "parent-spectator" covenant document.
A Coach’s Case for Drafting Parents as “Team Members” on Gamedays
Gen. McArthur believed that some of life’s greatest lessons are learned on the “battlefields” of athletics. In fact, our military academies continue to lean heavily on this belief in their selection process and their rigorous formal instruction.
Who you will become in times of trial and hardship results from who you train and practice to become in times of trial and hardship. General McArthur and to some degree our military believe that there is no better place to practice, this side of combat, than in competitive athletics.
If you don’t buy into this, then nothing that follows has any application to you. But if you believe that the “fields of friendly strife” are precisely the location on which your players will most effectively learn some of the greatest lessons in life, then you must consider how to be the most effective coach before, during and after these “battles”. To do so well, requires every parent to be part of that effort, all pulling in the same direction.
Unfortunatley, many parents are either oblivious to or incapable of fulfilling their responsibility to the development of their children during games. This is why I strongly recommend that coaches take the bull by the horns and “draft” each parent onto the team, giving them a clear and limited role. The stark reality is that most parents do not have definitive behavioral expectations nor do they have anyone willing and capable of holding them accountable to their role. And this role is simply what is best for the team and for their children.
Our Youth Sports are Infected by Dysfunctional “Parent-Spectators”
It is not uncommon to find parents in almost any town in America standing on the sidelines or in the stands yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs. They ciritique and berate the officials, the coaches, the players and sometimes even the other parents. They coach their children during the games, often at levels beyond the capabilities of their son or daughter and most commonly with advice that has not been taught by the coach.
In these same games, especially the ones where the parents exhibit these characteristics, it is equally common to find young players barking back at their coaches, questioning the judgement of the officials and riding waves of uncontrolled emotions that inhibit their ability to compete at their best.
Worse yet, these behaviors being taught and reinforced on the fields and courts, albeit indirectly, may manifest in adulthood as one or more of these tendencies:
· A quick instinct to blame others for negative outcomes
· An acceptance of “temper tantrums” as a normative behavior
· An inability to maintain composure in times of great stress, threat or insult
· An inability to ramp up emotion when it is advantageous and to ramp it down when it is counterproductive.
It is solely for the good of children and the generations that will someday rule the world that parents must re-assume thier roles as “Parent-Spectators” in a way that nurtures character and encourages virtue.
What is a “Parent-Spectator”?
First, it might be easier to understand what a “Parent-Spectator” is NOT. S/he is not part of the game, nor is s/he “just” a spectator.
· Those who ARE actually part of the game are being instructed by their coaches, they are accountable to the officials and because they are playing the game, they are responsible to influence the outcome of the game by how they act, what they say and what they do.
· On the other hand, those who ARE spectators have no obligation or responsibility to the coaches, the officials or the players. What they do and how they do it is based soley upon how they desire to enjoy the game.
“Parent-Spectators”, ARE NOT under the “command” of the coaches, they ARE NOT accountable to the officials and ARE NOT responsible to influence the outcome of the game by what they say, how they act or what they do. On the other hand, by virtue of parenting one of the players, the “Parent-Spectator” DOES HAVE a responsibility, an obligation to the officials, the coaches and ultimately the life skill development of the players.
Whether in the home enforcing the completion of homework or modeling appropriate behaviors in public, good parenting requires the “seeking out” of “teaching moments”. After all a parents job is to engage their youth in the possiblity of becoming more than they otherwise might desire. This responsibility is no less true from the sidelines or from the stands. How you act, what you say and what you do WILL influence the development and character of your son or daughter and their team. You are neither part of the game, nor “just” a spectator; you are a “Parent-Spectator”.
What is the Effective Application of Emotional Control?
The greatest of athletes, the ones who get more out of their athleticism and skills than anyone else (this doesn’t mean the most successful athletes, rather the most successful with what God has given them) apply the power of emotional contol more effectively than everyone else.
This means that they:
1. Focus all anger, all fear, all enthusiasm, all energy in the precise moments when they need that “little extra”
a. When they should be overpowered by the stronger, more physcial opponent
b. When they should fail because their skill or athleticism falls short
c. When they should collapse because they are flat out exhausted
2. Restrain their emotions when precision is the most important objective
a. Shooting that important free throw
b. Quickly turning that grounder into a double play
c. Throwing that 12 yard loft pass over the defense into that hands of the open receiver in the endzone
d. Laying off the quarterback when he gets the pass of just before they put the hit on him
3. Experience the joy of leaving it all on the field or the court after the game
a. Not encumbered by the inability to let a loss go
b. Not unable to truly experience the joy that comes from a hard fought victory
These are not skills necessary to win games… only… they are in fact the essence of functional character; they constitute one of life’s greatest virtues. Teaching these behaviors, modeling them, practicing them and demanding them is not just the winning gameplan for a prudent coach, but it is the template for raising youth who will someday become men and women of great character, of great influence, of great and positive consequence.
The Great Appeal
Many will believe that their behavior from the sidelines is of little or no consequence to their players or the team. Some will even think that their little “tyrades” might actually inspire their sons, daughters or players to play with passion and perhaps might effect the officials to call a more “favorable game”.
This is both rediculous and illogical. This is apparent to everyone who witnesses their behaviors who are not emotionally vested in the game or the players. Those in control of their emotions see clearly that these parents who are screaming at the officials, denograting the opposing players and coaching from the sidelines are doing so as if their personal value were being created by the performance of their son or daughter and their team.
“Parent-spectators” should aspire to perform their “roles” as well as they want their sons or daughters to perform on the field, and in life. All parents should be asked to become familiar with their role and to take it seriously. They should be asked to sign a commitment to the team, a covenant, to contribute to the best of their ability.
“Parent-Spectator” Team Role and Covenant
“Parent-Spectator” Team Role
As a “Parent-Spectator” I have a very unique and specific role on the team that is just as important as the coach’s and the player’s roles. It is critical that I constantly check myself at practice and at games with this question, “what am I doing right now to help the team by performing my role to the best of my ability?”
My role is to:
· Model positive emotional behaviors and restraints
· Encourage excellence, character and effort regardless of the outcome
· Release my son or daughter completely to the game, their coaches and the officials
I am not “part of the game” nor am I “just” a spectator. I have an obligation and responsibility to the team, the officials and the opposing team. But most of all, I have an immense responsibility to my own son or daughter, to set the most positive example of character, poise and emotional restraint.
“Parent-Spectator” Team Covenant
I recognize that how I act, what I say and what I do broadcasts loudly to my son or daughter as if to proclaim, “Act like me, scream like me, behave like me” when you compete.
Therefore, I WILL NOT…
… respond nor react to any calls made or not made by the officiating team. I recognize that I do not have a right to address any official directly or indirectly and that doing so viloates my role on the team.
… address any player, coach or parent from the opposing team directly or indirectly unless I am fulfilling my role as an encourager of excellence, character and effort. I recognize that I do not have a right to communicate with them in a critical or negative way and that doing so violates my role on the team.
… attempt to instruct or coach from the sidelines. I understand that my role is to release my son or daughter to the game as well as the other players so that they may succeed or fail without judgement from anyone other than their coach.
I WILL…
… cheer on excellence, character and effort regardless of the score or outcome
… model positive behaviors and emotional restraint
… release my son or daughter completely to the game, their coaches and the judgement of the officials
I fully understand my role as a “Parent-Spectator” and will hold myself accountable to contribute to the development and success of the team. I will remove myself from practices or games if I cannot fulfull my role fully. I agree to leave the games or practices if asked to do so by the coach.
Signature Date
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