Parents care about their kids… this is real good.
Parent’s concern for the welfare of their kids is often fueled by emotion… this too is good.
Parent’s unrestrained emotional concern for their sons or daughters from the sidelines, can be bad, real bad.
His son’s team, the “blue” team, stole the ball from the “white” team on a very aggressive and rough play. The parents of the white team were outraged and immediately began yelling things like,
· “What, he got mauled!”
· “Blow the whistle Ref, before someone gets killed!”
· ”C’mon, call it both ways!”
· “Are you blind ref?”
Many of the white team’s players reacted as their parents did. They turned to the official, hands in the air, looks of disbelief on their faces, and yelled at him. The blue team, on the other hand realizing the whistle didn’t blow, quickly passed the ball to the sideline, moved it up the field and threatened to score; and still, many of the white team’s players remained enslaved to their emotions, continuing to focus on the referee, oblivious to the blue team’s attack.
The parents of the white team, noticing that their son’s had lost focus on the ongoing game began to scream,
· “Boys go after the ball, he didn’t blow the whistle!”
· “The game’s in play, get back on defense!”
· “Hey, hey, watch out boys, go after the ball!”
Ultimately (within 10 seconds of the “steal”), as often happens in soccer, the referee blew the whistle and called the penalty.
Fortunately for the white team, they were not stung by this emotionally driven lapse… this time. Nonetheless, this team’s (parents and players) unrestrained emotional behavior and the dysfunctional consequence of it were palpable. This example is the essence of what has become a counter-productive “parental fan culture”. It is destructive and it threatens the potential for our boy’s to experience victory in sport and in life.
As parents, we ought to understand that we are neither “part of the game” nor are we “just spectators”. I offer what I call the 3 Golden Rules of Sideline Parenting:
- We should offer only positive encouragement, period.
- We should let the game come to the players and not try to “coach them” from the sidelines. This is the coach’s job alone.
- We should not try to influence nor openly evaluate the performance of the officials or the players on the other team. There is never a good time to speak directly to an opposing player or openly about his play in a negative way. This is solely the job of the officials and the coaches.
Ireland’s National Rugby coach, Declan Kidney, demonstrated the right balance of emotional control to which we parents should aspire. In March of 2011, his team lost to Wales. The officials allowed a clearly illegal Welsh play to stand that led to the winning score. Right after the game, Kidney was asked about the play.
He said that although he felt extremely frustrated (emotionally fueled) he was not going to fulminate (he would choose to demonstrate control) at a time when so many in the world were suffering from the consequences of natural disasters (Tsunami in Japan).
As frustration threatened to reduce him to a petty complainer on the international stage, he had developed the emotional maturity to thwart it. In doing so, he drew attention to the dire needs and sufferings of others as opposed to “emotionally venting” which would have benefited no one. Declan Kidney demonstrated the power of restraint, the power of individual will and the power of words wisely chosen.
It is important to remind ourselves, that as we take to the sidelines of every game, we are neither “part of the game”, nor are we “just spectators”. And, that while we are encouraging our sons, we are also setting expectations and modeling behaviors for the next generation of Declan Kidneys. Someday, we will watch proudly, as our son’s assert their impact on the world as men by exercising their power over their emotions, their control over their wills and their mastery over their words... or we will witness grown adolescents, still slaves to the vicissitudes of their emotions, squander their potentials for a life of victory.
Parents who realize that winning games and raising men are not mutually exclusive endeavors will spend their time “on the sidelines” managing every word that does AND does not come out or their mouths… to do this is good, real good!
Two great related resources
1. This coach teaches high school basketball players to “Play Present”, teaching boys that worrying about things that they do not control keeps them from playing at their best:
2. Justin Verlander’s dad speaks about the importance of parents encouraging character development along side of skill development. In an article titled, “7 Things Every Sports Dad Can Learn From Richard Verlander”, 3 of the 7 are these:
· Control is key: In pitching and in life
· Character is equally important
· Don’t put unnecessary pressure on your son to succeed
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