Coaches: Draft your Parents on Game-Day

Coaches:  Consider taking a stand against the decline of appropriate sideline parenting and for the development of your players as future men.

Feel free to copy this coaches guide as well as the "parent-spectator" covenant document.

A Coach’s Case for Drafting Parents as “Team Members” on Gamedays

Gen. McArthur believed that some of life’s greatest lessons are learned on the “battlefields” of athletics.  In fact, our military academies continue to lean heavily on this belief in their selection process and their rigorous formal instruction. 

“On the fields of friendly strife are sown the seeds that upon other fields on other days shall bear the fruits of victory.”  General Douglas McArthur

Who you will become in times of trial and hardship results from who you train and practice to become in times of trial and hardship.  General McArthur and to some degree our military believe that there is no better place to practice, this side of combat, than in competitive athletics.

If you don’t buy into this, then nothing that follows has any application to you.  But if you believe that the “fields of friendly strife” are precisely the location on which your players will most effectively learn some of the greatest lessons in life, then you must consider how to be the most effective coach before, during and after these “battles”.  To do so well, requires every parent to be part of that effort, all pulling in the same direction. 

Unfortunatley, many parents are either oblivious to or incapable of fulfilling their responsibility to the development of their children during games.  This is why I strongly recommend that coaches take the bull by the horns and “draft” each parent onto the team, giving them a clear and limited role.  The stark reality is that most parents do not have definitive behavioral expectations nor do they have anyone willing and capable of holding them accountable to their role.  And this role is simply what is best for the team and for their children.

Our Youth Sports are Infected by Dysfunctional “Parent-Spectators”

It is not uncommon to find parents in almost any town in America standing on the sidelines or in the stands yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs.  They ciritique and berate the officials, the coaches, the players and sometimes even the other parents.  They coach their children during the games, often at levels beyond the capabilities of their son or daughter and most commonly with advice that has not been taught by the coach. 

In these same games, especially the ones where the parents exhibit these characteristics, it is equally common to find young players barking back at their coaches, questioning the judgement of the officials and riding waves of uncontrolled emotions that inhibit their ability to compete at their best. 

Worse yet, these behaviors being taught and reinforced on the fields and courts, albeit indirectly, may manifest in adulthood as one or more of these tendencies:

·         A quick instinct to blame others for negative outcomes

·         An acceptance of “temper tantrums” as a normative behavior

·         An inability to maintain composure in times of great stress, threat or insult 

·         An inability to ramp up emotion when it is advantageous and to ramp it down when it is counterproductive. 

It is solely for the good of children and the generations that will someday rule the world that parents must re-assume thier roles as “Parent-Spectators” in a way that nurtures character and encourages virtue.

What is a “Parent-Spectator”?

First, it might be easier to understand what a “Parent-Spectator” is NOT.  S/he is not part of the game, nor is s/he “just” a spectator. 

·         Those who ARE actually part of the game are being instructed by their coaches, they are accountable to the officials and because they are playing the game, they are responsible to influence the outcome of the game by how they act, what they say and what they do.

·         On the other hand, those who ARE spectators have no obligation or responsibility to the coaches, the officials or the players.  What they do and how they do it is based soley upon how they desire to enjoy the game. 

“Parent-Spectators”, ARE NOT under the “command” of the coaches, they ARE NOT accountable to the officials and ARE NOT responsible to influence the outcome of the game by what they say, how they act or what they do.  On the other hand, by virtue of parenting one of the players, the “Parent-Spectator” DOES HAVE a responsibility, an obligation to the officials, the coaches and ultimately the life skill development of the players. 

Whether in the home enforcing the completion of homework or modeling appropriate behaviors in public, good parenting requires the “seeking out” of “teaching moments”.  After all a parents job is to engage their youth in the possiblity of becoming more than they otherwise might desire.  This responsibility is no less true from the sidelines or from the stands.  How you act, what you say and what you do WILL influence the development and character of your son or daughter and their team.  You are neither part of the game, nor “just” a spectator; you are a “Parent-Spectator”.

What is the Effective Application of Emotional Control?

The greatest of athletes, the ones who get more out of their athleticism and skills than anyone else (this doesn’t mean the most successful athletes, rather the most successful with what God has given them) apply the power of emotional contol more effectively than everyone else. 

This means that they:

1.      Focus all anger, all fear, all enthusiasm, all energy in the precise moments when they need that “little extra”

a.       When they should be overpowered by the stronger, more physcial opponent

b.      When they should fail because their skill or athleticism falls short

c.       When they should collapse because they are flat out exhausted

2.      Restrain their emotions when precision is the most important objective

a.       Shooting that important free throw

b.      Quickly turning that grounder into a double play

c.       Throwing that 12 yard loft pass over the defense into that hands of the open receiver in the endzone

d.      Laying off the quarterback when he gets the pass of just before they put the hit on him

3.      Experience the joy of leaving it all on the field or the court after the game

a.       Not encumbered by the inability to let a loss go

b.      Not unable to truly experience the joy that comes from a hard fought victory

These are not skills necessary to win games… only… they are in fact the essence of functional character; they constitute one of life’s greatest virtues.  Teaching these behaviors, modeling them, practicing them and demanding them is not just the winning gameplan for a prudent coach, but it is the template for raising youth who will someday become men and women of great character, of great influence, of great and positive consequence.

The Great Appeal

Many will believe that their behavior from the sidelines is of little or no consequence to their players or the team.  Some will even think that their little “tyrades” might actually inspire their sons, daughters or players to play with passion and perhaps might effect the officials to call a more “favorable game”. 

This is both rediculous and illogical.  This is apparent to everyone who witnesses their behaviors who are not emotionally vested in the game or the players.  Those in control of their emotions see clearly that these parents who are screaming at the officials, denograting the opposing players and coaching from the sidelines are doing so as if their personal value were being created by the performance of their son or daughter and their team.

“Parent-spectators” should aspire to perform their “roles” as well as they want their sons or daughters to perform on the field, and in life.  All parents should be asked to become familiar with their role and to take it seriously.  They should be asked to sign a commitment to the team, a covenant, to contribute to the best of their ability.

“Parent-Spectator” Team Role and Covenant

“Parent-Spectator” Team Role

As a “Parent-Spectator” I have a very unique and specific role on the team that is just as important as the coach’s and the player’s roles.  It is critical that I constantly check myself at practice and at games with this question, “what am I doing right now to help the team by performing my role to the best of my ability?”

My role is to:

·         Model positive emotional behaviors and restraints

·         Encourage excellence, character and effort regardless of the outcome

·         Release my son or daughter completely to the game, their coaches and the officials

I am not “part of the game” nor am I “just” a spectator.  I have an obligation and responsibility to the team, the officials and the opposing team.  But most of all, I have an immense responsibility to my own son or daughter, to set the most positive example of character, poise and emotional restraint.

“Parent-Spectator” Team Covenant

I recognize that how I act, what I say and what I do broadcasts loudly to my son or daughter as if to proclaim, “Act like me, scream like me, behave like me” when you compete.

Therefore, I WILL NOT…

… respond nor react to any calls made or not made by the officiating team.  I recognize that I do not have a right to address any official directly or indirectly and that doing so viloates my role on the team.

… address any player, coach or parent from the opposing team directly or indirectly unless I am fulfilling my role as an encourager of excellence, character and effort.  I recognize that I do not have a right to communicate with them in a critical or negative way and that doing so violates my role on the team.

… attempt to instruct or coach from the sidelines.  I understand that my role is to release my son or daughter to the game as well as the other players so that they may succeed or fail without judgement from anyone other than their coach.

I WILL…

… cheer on excellence, character and effort regardless of the score or outcome

… model positive behaviors and emotional restraint

… release my son or daughter completely to the game, their coaches and the judgement of the officials

I fully understand my role as a “Parent-Spectator” and will hold myself accountable to contribute to the development and success of the team.  I will remove myself from practices or games if I cannot fulfull my role fully.  I agree to leave the games or practices if asked to do so by the coach.

Signature                                                          Date

Coaching Basketball - Coaching Life

In an article entitled,  Guarantee Success by Practicing Failure, Coach Greg White challenges coaches to, among other things, “be an awful official”.  His idea is to challenge boys with the adversity of unfairness, obvious unfairness, in order to create situations that are even worse than games.  He suggests that a coach should purposely have an official favor one team in a scrimmage, let them get away with “murder” while calling the most ticky-tack fouls on the other team.  This is pure brilliance.

The great 1^st century Roman Statesman Cicero said, “Virtue (or character) is what happens when wise and courageous decisions have become second nature.”  Making good decisions quickly, choosing the courageous path over the easy one and restraining the emotional outbursts urged on by our humanity are not natural for us, they are learned through experience and practice.

Coach White urges the practicing of such virtue for basketball players.  Put them in situations where they will want to complain, to give up, to blame the officials.  While his intent is to build upon their eventual failure so that they develop a “second nature”. A nature which responds to this adversity with clarity of thought, with focused emotions and with the courage to push harder even when their body is telling them that an acceptance of failure will at least allow for the pain to stop.  Build on this, practice after practice and then when a situation like this arises in a game, the whole team's “second nature” kicks in… again, brilliant, and philosophically classical!

I would add that in the pursuit of “growing up men” in sports, coaches ought to more deliberately help their players make the connection between the virtue that they are learning on the court, with the virtue that they will one day need as a husband, father, employee and contributor to society.  We should not just train athletes, we should expose our players to the idea that as they learn to deal with adversity in practice and games, they are also learning a very valuable skill (virtue) that must be applied to achieve successful living.

Remember, how your boy plays on the “fields of friendly strife” will be how he fights the greatest battles of his life.

You can follow Coach Greg White Twitter@GregWhite32

Misty May - 3 Golds - A Model of Athletic Virtue

Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh

Jennings 2012 Gold Medal Ceremony

3 Golds in a row, something must be going right! 

Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings proved their dominance in beach volleyball once again; in fact, they’ve been doing so for a decade. 

Clearly, they are very skilled and athletically blessed, but equally or even more so are many of their world class opponents… and, as age creeps in on this dynastic-duo, the scales continue to lean towards the other side of the net.  Sure, their savvy play and experience can overcome some of this deficit, but it was in these London games, that the world witnessed a “virtue” (a practiced, rare skill) that differentiated them from all other contenders.  Their ancient Greek Olympian ancestors would have called this virtue “Temperance” and would have aspired to it among the other “develolped” character traits of Courage, Prudence and Justice. Thousands of years later, Misty May, the team’s leader, demonstrated Temperance brilliantly.

The Mastery of Emotional Control (and Focus)

Misty May-Treanor is known for many things when it comes to volleyball.  She is revered and sometimes idolized by the other great players of the world.  But despite her incredible skills and her athletic prowess, she is capable of living out two completely divergent personalities.  This, when done so on demand, is a radical and rare power.  However, surprisingly, it is dismissed by many athletes and untaught by all too many parents and coaches.

 

Personality #1 - Misty May patrolled the beach like a lioness, focused solely on the return of the volleyball, as if each possession might produce the single meal that would sustain her pride for a week.  Then, when the kill presented itself, she pounced on it with an efficient fierceness that only results from the perfect mixture of power, skill, clarity of purpose and emotional energy. 

Personality #2 - As if controlled by a switch, once the game was over, she lit up the camera, “shouting out” to friends and family, saluting the troops and demonstrating the unfiltered joy of the moment. 

When an intense focus of adrenaline was required, she elevated above all others.  When precision was the imperative she subordinated her emotions to insure a hand-eye coordinated mastery.  When neither were at stake, she allowed herself the freedom to follow her emotions, enjoying the pinnacle of success.

A Societal Problem

Our world is filled with people who wear their emotions on their sleeves, who think it a virtue to just “be” who their emotions dictate them to “be”.  Our world is also filled with unrestrained emotional competitors who roam the “athletic savanah” like young, fully grown male lions who have the power to steal prey from the cheetahs, bully the hyenas and yet, are mauled by the more experienced “Kings of their Prides” when they think their size and skills warrant an attempt at the throne. 

Unfortunately, our society all too often lifts up these two undisciplined character traits as virtuous. 

·         In the workplace, I often hear variations of something like this, “they (the company) just want me to be quiet, to be politically correct, but that’s not who I am, so I just went off on my boss!” These are the same people who wonder why promotion eludes them and why employment troubles follow them from job to job. 

·         Or, from the sidelines, I witness parents who deride referees, screaming uncontrollably as the highs and lows of the game toss them about like a small sailboat in the throws of a giant storm.  These parents often encourage unbridled emotional play as if this is the outpouring of a finely tuned competitive athlete.  And then, as their child-athletes self-destruct on the court or field of play as emotions run high, they are dumbfounded as the game’s momentum turns… as their children are figuratively mauled at the hands of their opponents. 

Misty May Treanor expertly controls and differentiates her focused intensity from her carefree exuberance… she transitions flawlessly from her dangerous, emotionally fueled attack to her reserved, restrained, perfect set-up for Walsh’s world renowned spikes. 

All young athletes, coaches and parents should take notice of this power of emotional control.  This self-mastery increases athletic accomplishment exponentially, while on the other hand emotional self-indulgence scuttles the otherwise greatest of athletes, families, jobs and communities.  Kids will not develop this “virtue” apart from

1.      Consistent expectations

2.      Opportunities in which to succeed and fail

3.      Situations ignited by high emotion

4.      Practice, practice, practice

But, no matter the environment, whether on a field or a court, there is no better instruction than the example of a coach and a parent who demonstrate Misty-May-Treanor-like “temperance” before… during… and after their games.  It is precisely our behaviors, not our words, which will either prepare them with the “temperance of a lioness” or will condemn them to a mauling in a life for which they have not prepared.

Remember, the way your son or daughter plays on the fields of friendly strife will be how s/he will fight the greatest battles of their lives!  



3 Golden Rules of "Sideline" Parenting

Parents care about their kids… this is real good. 

Parent’s concern for the welfare of their kids is often fueled by emotion… this too is good. 

Parent’s unrestrained emotional concern for their sons or daughters from the sidelines, can be bad, real bad. 

The future temperament of our children is drafted by our expectations and molded by our consistent modeling of it.  This point was made emphatically apparent, albeit from a negative perspective, during a U14 soccer game I recently attended in which my friend’s son competed.  Here's what happened:

His son’s team, the “blue” team, stole the ball from the “white” team on a very aggressive and rough play.  The parents of the white team were outraged and immediately began yelling things like,

·         “What, he got mauled!”

·         “Blow the whistle Ref, before someone gets killed!”

·         ”C’mon, call it both ways!” 

·         “Are you blind ref?”

Many of the white team’s players reacted as their parents did.  They turned to the official, hands in the air, looks of disbelief on their faces, and yelled at him.  The blue team, on the other hand realizing the whistle didn’t blow, quickly passed the ball to the sideline, moved it up the field and threatened to score; and still, many of the white team’s players remained enslaved to their emotions, continuing to focus on the referee, oblivious to the blue team’s attack. 

The parents of the white team, noticing that their son’s had lost focus on the ongoing game began to scream,

·         “Boys go after the ball, he didn’t blow the whistle!” 

·         “The game’s in play, get back on defense!”

·         “Hey, hey, watch out boys, go after the ball!” 

Ultimately (within 10 seconds of the “steal”), as often happens in soccer, the referee blew the whistle and called the penalty. 

Fortunately for the white team, they were not stung by this emotionally driven lapse… this time. Nonetheless, this team’s (parents and players) unrestrained emotional behavior and the dysfunctional consequence of it were palpable.  This example is the essence of what has become a counter-productive “parental fan culture”.  It is destructive and it threatens the potential for our boy’s to experience victory in sport and in life.  

As parents, we ought to understand that we are neither “part of the game” nor are we “just spectators”.  I offer what I call the 3 Golden Rules of Sideline Parenting:    

1. We should offer only positive encouragement, period. 
2. We should let the game come to the players and not try to “coach them” from the sidelines.  This is the coach’s job alone.
3. We should not try to influence nor openly evaluate the performance of the officials or the players on the other team.  There is never a good time to speak directly to an opposing player or openly about his play in a negative way.  This is solely the job of the officials and the coaches.

Ireland’s National Rugby coach, Declan Kidney, demonstrated the right balance of emotional control to which we parents should aspire.  In March of 2011, his team lost to Wales.  The officials allowed a clearly illegal Welsh play to stand that led to the winning score.  Right after the game, Kidney was asked about the play. 

He said that although he felt extremely frustrated (emotionally fueled) he was not going to fulminate (he would choose to demonstrate control) at a time when so many in the world were suffering from the consequences of natural disasters (Tsunami in Japan). 

As frustration threatened to reduce him to a petty complainer on the international stage, he had developed the emotional maturity to thwart it.  In doing so, he drew attention to the dire needs and sufferings of others as opposed to “emotionally venting” which would have benefited no one.  Declan Kidney demonstrated the power of restraint, the power of individual will and the power of words wisely chosen.

It is important to remind ourselves, that as we take to the sidelines of every game, we are neither “part of the game”, nor are we “just spectators”.  And, that while we are encouraging our sons, we are also setting expectations and modeling behaviors for the next generation of Declan Kidneys.  Someday, we will watch proudly, as our son’s assert their impact on the world as men by exercising their power over their emotions, their control over their wills and their mastery over their words... or we will witness grown adolescents, still slaves to the vicissitudes of their emotions, squander their potentials for a life of victory. 

Parents who realize that winning games and raising men are not mutually exclusive endeavors will spend their time “on the sidelines” managing every word that does AND does not come out or their mouths… to do this is good, real good!

Remember, how your boy plays on the “fields of friendly strife” will be how he fights the greatest battles of his life.

Two great related resources

1.       This coach teaches high school basketball players to “Play Present”, teaching boys that worrying about things that they do not control keeps them from playing at their best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWNRgSp9cqk

2.       Justin Verlander’s dad speaks about the importance of parents encouraging character development along side of skill development.  In an article titled, “7 Things Every Sports Dad Can Learn From Richard Verlander”, 3 of the 7 are these:

·         Control is key: In pitching and in life

·         Character is equally important

·         Don’t put unnecessary pressure on your son to succeed

http://www.sportsdadhub.com/2012/06/12/7-things-every-sports-dad-can-learn-from-richard-verlander/

Ron Artest - A Great Example for Your Young Athlete

We should endeavor to teach our boys the character of a man.  Professional athletes often give us great examples for this instruction.  Yesterday, Ron Artest provided one such “gem”.  If you haven't seen the video (in which he elbowed James Harden in the head) take a look at it and then read on.

Artest Elbows Harden Video

You might consider using this with your 10 to 18 year old like this.  Show him the clip and then ask him what he thinks about it.  What is important to teach is that this elbow was:

1.      Not incidental

2.      Not during the struggle of a rebound or a play

3.      Intended to make contact with Harden

4.      Wound up to deliver a significant impact

Boys do not naturally develop an understanding of how to be both “tough” and restrained within the same game.  Likewise, they often do not know how to be both “tough” and restrained in the course of life.  The character of “toughness” and restraint in sports should be taught just like the virtues of courage and emotional restraint (temperance) were taught to Greek Warriors 2,500 years ago.  These men were tough by any measure; just ask the Romans, Egyptians and Persians.  But they also valued temperance, prudence and justice.  This stands in great contrast to Ron Artest who demonstrated that he lacks the tools of a man of character.  And, unlike the Greek Warrior, he operates from a dangerous, unpredictable core that is hard to differentiate from a child. 

Artest is a great athlete who has done well for himself despite being suspended 13 times, at least 3 of which were egregious, vicious responses to circumstances where a man of developed courage and restraint would have responded significantly differently.  I say this because although an opinion might be that Artest has been successful despite his lack of operative virtue, the reality is that he has squandered his potential as an athlete, teammate, role model and even earning power because he never developed the male characteristics that sustain families, communities and civilizations… and yes, winning teams.

Raising Boys of Classical Courage

I'm not saying that an athlete should be tentative, I profess the exact opposite.  Were Artest to have elbowed Harden in the course of a rebound while clearing his rightful space, I would commend him.  In the same way, I would argue disdain for the young man who uses his strength to beat up someone to prove his “toughness”, while I would commend a young man who uses his strength to viciously defend a woman, a child or an elderly man from the wrong use of strength of another man.  The man of courage can be both viciously dangerous and restrained in pressure situations because he has trained himself to distinguish the right application of both.

Take the time to teach this virtue to your young athletes.  Don’t allow them to argue with referees, coaches and other players.  Do not allow them to extend contact past the play, but encourage them to play with absolute, “dangerous”, fearless and right physical contact from “whistle to whistle”.

Remember, how your boy plays on the “fields of friendly strife” will be how he fights the greatest battles of his life.

Raising Boys of Classical Courage

A boy imagines himself locked in courageous battle with an evil foe.  He feints right, dives left, jumps up and thrusts his sword at this invisible enemy.  There is nothing more authentically “boy” than this.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that this kind of courage is present in men who develop it over many years.  He doesn't know that it is a hard fought virtue.  He is also oblivious to courage’s contemporary counterfeit impostors that woo him with a deadly, siren like call.  Most boys are attracted to the strength, the audacity and the respect afforded to the timeless image of the “bully”.  And more recently, pop culture sells him the virtue of the modern “gangsta”.  I’m not saying that most boys want to actually become bullies or gangsters, only that the image of being on top of the pecking order, to never fear another, to be recognized as a tough guy appeals to their adolescence like red meat is desired by a hungry lion. 

And we, as parents, coaches and mentors often confront our boys as if we can convince the "lion" to simply ignore the red meat, “just turn away and be a good boy” we implore!  Despite the ominous nature of this task, it is more important than ever that we replace contemporary culture’s distortion of courage with its classical ancestor.  This is the true and timeless courage that guided the characters of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr. and countless other great men of virtuous distinction.  

I believe that with the right plan, the right context and the right consistency we can inspire our boys to desire this classical courage once again.  Thomas Jefferson said, “One man with courage is a majority.”  This may be the “better feast” that draws his developing, yet "lion" heart away from the red meat and towards the courage that builds healthy families, communities and civilizations.  We must introduce and encourage our sons, our players our students to become “one man majorities”, who know great restraint and fearless assertiveness while mastering the appropriate application of both. 

George Washington was a “one man majority”, a man of classical courage. 

Developing Courage in “Practice”

At the age of 16, he spent cold winters surveying the wilderness for months where the French, Native Americans, and nefarious bandits posed great threat to vulnerable British colonists.  In doing so, he practiced courage as a teenager where the variables were unpredictable and the stakes were extremely high.

Refining Courage in “Games”

On behalf of the British Crown, at the age of 21, Washington led a small detachment of men through the unforgiving Ohio Valley winter.  He negotiated Native escorts who at the end of his journey nearly killed him.  He engaged adversarial French Generals twice his age.  And then down to himself and his trusted companion, he fell into the icy Allegheny River while attempting to escape across it on a makeshift raft.  Washington practiced courage in the harsh elements, the frozen river and in the cross hairs of many dangerous men.  The variables were unpredictable and the stakes were even higher.

Applying Classical Courage in the Greatest Battles of His Life

It was no surprise that in his mid forties as the Leader of the Continental Army, General Washington led his troops across a partially frozen Delaware River, daring the elements in order to launch an audacious surprise attack against the British.  And as we know, despite the infinite variables of war when the stakes were highest, he did so successfully.  George Washington practiced courage in his youth and was therefore unsurprisingly courageous as a General when a nation depended on his right application of great restraint and fearless leadership.



"On the fields of friendly strife are
sown the seeds that upon other fields, on
other days, will bear tne fruits of victory."

 Your son or player bears within him this possibility of courageous greatness.  Sure, the fate of our nation may not rely upon him like Washington, but many will rely upon his courage or suffer in the absence of it.  He must be redirected from the allure of pop culture and be challenged to practice real courage, classical courage, the courage of Washington, Lincoln and King Jr.  This can be done on the McArthian “fields of friendly strife”.  But it takes a thoughtful practice plan, deliberate game encouragement and timely connections with real life application. Sports uniquely present an infinite number of “pressure cooker” situations within a demanding environment that cannot be predicted, controlled nor completely mastered – the variables are unpredictable and the stakes are often high!

In the weeks to come, I will offer a strategy designed to inspire and encourage your boys to practice classical courage.  Because, I believe that every young athlete has voluntarily entered classical courage’s arena and is waiting for his coach, his parent, his teacher to arrive.  I believe that in this arena, we can raise up a generation of lion hearts who have the restraint to turn from the red meat of “bully-hood” and “gangsta-life” in order to fiercely, dare I say courageously devour those things that would otherwise hurt families, destroy communities and corrupt civilizations.  I believe that your son, your player, your student is one good parent, coach or teacher away from becoming a “one man majority” who will one day courageously change his world for the better.

  Remember, how your boy plays on the “fields of friendly strife” will be how he fights the greatest battles of his life.

Act of Valor "is" for Our Boys

OK, perhaps not the movie itself.  I took my 7th grader who was capable of emotionally handling the portrayal of real world violence, whereas, we chose to not allow our 5th grader to view it… just yet. 

What “is” for our boys, is a message that is contained within the movie.  It is one that every boy should hear, practice and hopefully graft it into his nature (Of course he’s gonna’ need a lot of help from parents, coaches and mentors).

In this movie, a Navy SEAL writes a letter to the unborn son of a fellow and unfortunately fallen comrade.  In it he says,

“No one is stronger or more dangerous than one who can harness his emotions -- his past.  Use it as fuel, as ammunition as ink to write the most important letter of your life."  This Navy SEAL, this great modern day warrior, believed that the ability to subordinate one’s emotions to the mastery of his mind and the direction of his ethical compass is one of, if not the most important ingredient in a man’s character.

Unfortunately, the pop culture that seduces our boys daily, at times sounds similar, but is actually a destructive distortion of this SEAL’s viewpoint:

1.       “React emotionally with anger or frustration because it lets others know to back off, that one is tough and must be reckoned with… never, never give in to humiliation.”

2.        “React emotionally, with anger or frustration as your feelings direct you…  your feelings are your compass to what is right.”

And then, in part as a reaction to this adolescent pop culture, most parents shy away from encouraging their boys, especially their young ones, to be “dangerous”.  Our politically correct society threatens to corral our parents into teaching their boys virtues that instruct them:

1.       “You should learn to express your emotions, as long as they do not hurt or offend another, in order to be true to yourself in the moment.” 

2.       “Don’t ever assert your strength to physically influence or to even persuade another, especially when it is motivated by emotions.”

This SEAL, however, implies that being “strong and dangerous” is, in fact, a virtue.  I would wholeheartedly agree.  This SEAL swims strongly against the current of today’s societal messaging.  In fact, he has the temerity to imply that a man has “right manly character” when he:

1.       Is NOT subject to “who he is in the moment”, rather he chooses to display or not to display his emotions based upon the potential good that can come from them.

2.       Leverages his emotions at the right time to exponentially increase his assertiveness, his effectiveness, his resolve, his strength, dare I say his ability to be “dangerous” to those who would oppose him, his family or the weak for nefarious purpose.

Please understand, I am not talking about hiding emotions in the context of a loving family or in the arena of authentic friendship.  But, even here, fear, frustration and anger must be kept under control, must be “harnessed” effectively.  This type of emotional mastery is not the sole result of intellectual decision.  Rather, it is the product of consistent practice of mind, body, emotion and ethic working together time after time until a habit is formed – until character is developed.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King masterfully harnessed their emotions and used them “as fuel, as ammunition” as they lived out their most critical moments.  When young MLK Jr. was thrust into the face of the bus boycotts in Montgomery Alabama in the 50’s, he was taken to the emotional brink with threats, both implied and attempted, on his life and the lives of his family.  He did not, however, submit to his fear, frustration, anger or humiliation.  He used these emotions to stand firmly in defiance of those who wished to break the civil rights movement - by breaking him.  He said,

''I'm not afraid of anybody this morning. Tell Montgomery they can keep shooting and I'm going to stand up to them; tell Montgomery they can keep bombing and I'm going to stand up to them. If I had to die tomorrow morning I would die happy because I've been to the mountaintop and I've seen the promised land and it's going to be here in Montgomery.''

MLK did not cower in the face of intimidation, nor give in to the powerlessness of frustration or inhumane humiliation.  While on the other hand, he did not act “out of emotion” and take violent action or incite it, both of which would have significantly harmed his cause.  Having trained himself through a life of practice, he harnessed his emotions and became “dangerous” against the cause of bigotry and discrimination by standing firmly, yet peacefully, with this world changing movement.

Every time our boys take to an athletic field or court, they are assaulted by a steady stream of stimuli that provoke an outpouring of their natural emotions.  They might:

·         Yell at a teammate who makes a critical mistake

·         Talk back to a referee who makes a “bad call” from their viewpoint

·         Abandon their team role in order to “make up for” a mistake that they just made or to “save face”

·         Give in to the bigger, stronger or better opponent before giving 100%

·         Argue with a teammate or a coach in the heat of battle

·         Throw in the towel when the pain of effort and the almost hopelessness of the score begin to overwhelm them

These emotional catalysts are good!  Every boy will be confronted by the opportunity to “fight against” this natural flow of emotions thousands of times per year, if he plays competitive sports.  Sometimes, his right course will be to “harness his emotions”, while other times he will need to focus them, use them “as fuel, as ammunition” in order to stand in defiance of every signal coming from the other players, the crowd, their own bodies – their emotions.  It is precisely in these thousands of critical moments that the Washingtons, Lincolns and Kings of tomorrow will be made or will be squandered.  Will your son or your players use these moments to develop into men of “danger” who expertly “harness emotion” in order to win the most critical moments of their lives? 

Always remember, how your boy chooses to play every possession, every down or every pitch will be the way he will fight the greatest battles of his life.

Links to other articles about challenging our son's and sometimes parents to develop emotionally competent warriors in sports and in life:

3 Golden Rules of Sideline Parenting
Ron Artest - A Great Example for Your Young Athlete

Misty May - 3 Golds - A Model of Athletic Virtue