Raising Lone Survivors

Michael P Murphy - Courageous Leader
& Medal of Honor Recipient

I believe there are times when we need to expose our teenage boys to ugly realities that they don’t often come across in their average, suburban-American lives.  The movie "Lone Survivor” portrays the realistic ugliness of war and the high price that is often paid by some so that we can live in a free and prosperous nation. Our boys often live sheltered lives with very little practice in sacrifice, courage and great consequence.  I would challenge you to consider the possibility of attending this movie with your teenage son (I would say at least 15 and up), yet armed with an agenda.  I believe that a few timely questions after this experience can jump start young minds and wandering hearts towards maturity and virtue.

Last week I took my 15 year old son, Nathan, to this movie.  My wife and I normally protect our boys from movies with such violent, realistic story lines.  However, we were both moved when we saw it and believed it to be fundamentally different from other “blood and guts” hero movies.  (Disclaimer: This is not a universally good teaching tool. Please see the movie and make your own decision before exposing your teenagers to it - Pluggedin.com Assessment).

In this true story of a Navy Seal mission in Afghanistan gone bad, there are some invaluable lessons to be learned:

• In real life, young men find themselves in very morally ambiguous situations in which although the right thing may be very easy to identify, it can be incredibly difficult to choose.

• Leaders are extremely important in life and they are not born, rather they are built one decision at a time.

• Although emotionally disruptive situations may threaten the effectiveness of a team, emotions which threaten the team’s success must be abandoned quickly.

Pop culture, like movies, can provide a meaningful catalyst to ignite valuable life lessons.  In the movie, the Navy Seals mission is compromised when 3 nomadic goat herders stumble upon their position.  Since the Seals lost communication with their support elements, they must quickly decide: kill these civilian (and perhaps Taliban sympathizing) prisoners or let them go and risk a quick response from a numerically superior enemy only minutes away.  The four Seals argue vehemently.  The virtues and follies of both arguments are portrayed well, under duress.  Teenage boys will easily understand how killing these prisoners can make perfect sense, while at the same time, their consciences will gnaw at them silently.  The ambiguity of what makes a decision "right" will immediately become palpable to them.

Ultimately, the leader steps in a makes a decision.  This well trained team quickly puts the argument behind them and prepares for the actions that will be required to give them all a chance at survival.

Let me give you some questions to ask boys who play competitive sports.  These questions will get them thinking emotionally about life, how they practice it and how they pursue it.

1. What decision would you make if you were the Seal Team’s leader?  Allow them to argue their position and let them feel how easily they can acquiesce into easy, less moral decisions.  Let them wrestle with the idea that making moral decisions in some circumstances that await them as they grow into life may be extremely difficult.
2. Do you think the Seal Team Leader was just born to make difficult, courageous decisions?  Help them understand that courage is learned by exercising the invisible yet valuable muscle that fuels ones courageous decision making strength.
3. Do you think that most, some or very few people in today’s society possess strong courageous decision making muscle like the Seal Team Leader?  Ask if they have witnessed adults or kids in their own lives making courageous decisions and what made those decisions courageous?  Ask them what kind of decisions they can make in their lives that exercise their courageous decision making muscle?
4. What did you observe about the two Seals who wanted to kill the prisoners after the team leader decided to let them go?  They should identify that despite their severe emotional opinion, they quickly refocused on their role on the team and what it would take to give the team the greatest chance of success.  They did not revisit the past, but focused every fiber of their being on the reality of the future and their role in it.  Ask them, what do you think is harder, doing what these two Seals did, or being unjustly accused of committing a foul or penalty in a game or receiving a cheap shot from your opponent that was not identified by the game’s officials?  They will understand immediately.  However, the challenge is to get them to dwell a bit on what it means to quickly forget their emotional attachment to the past event and focus every fiber of their being on the reality of their future for the sake of the team.  Help them connect the idea that this is not a thing you just decide to do when life gets tough, rather it is a muscle that needs exercising on the fields of friendly strife.

Lastly, ask them about the mental and physical toughness displayed by these Seals.  Do you think they just lift weights, go for runs and practice shooting?  Or do you think they spend much time immersed in training their mental and physical toughness “muscles”?

You may not get to all of these questions, as teenage boys have limited attention spans for this sort of thing.  But ultimately you are laying down a foundation to elevate developmental discussions with your son.  And it is on this elevated plain that we can recapture the hearts of boys that are all too often being drawn to pursue emptiness.  Many parents look at sports as something to be done for the pleasure of their children.  Other coaches and parents teach that the greatest virtue in a youth athlete is to love winning and hate losing so much that they pour themselves into a game, play hard, take no prisoners. I believe there is a better way.  I think sports are invaluable activities to allow your children to exercise their courageous decision making muscles and their mental and physical toughness muscles:

• When a referee makes a call, no matter how bad, do not allow yourself to react but make yourself focus every fiber of your being on what you need to do next to help the team succeed.
• When an opponent cheats or takes a cheap shot, do not react emotionally but respond with mental and physical toughness to stay within in the rules but in a way that helps the team succeed.
• When you are on the field or court and you begin to feel tired, or the game is getting away from your team and others are giving up, it is the exact time to go harder, force yourself to stay focused, optimistic, to demonstrate mental, emotional and physical toughness.  This is courageous leadership!

Teenagers are capable of understanding the idea that coaches and parents desire to train them, prepare them for the many difficult situations that will confront them in the future. These situations may not be on a bloody battlefield, but they will be in the unforgiving conflict of an unpredictable life that will unfold for them all too soon.  Teach them you do not desire for them to ultimately learn how to win in just a game, but you desire for them to be mentally and physically tough enough and morally courageous enough... to protect those who can’t protect themselves... to make decisions and stick with them when they are very unpopular but right... and to lead when leadership is absent.  Connect them to the idea that life will take them to places where they will confront great and consequential situations that will devour them if they are not prepared - if they do not have supremely developed “muscles”.

Consider taking your teenage son to see, "Lone Survivor” but make sure you are adequately armed with a teaching agenda that will inspire him to desire a less traveled path that leads to courage and toughness.  Plant a seed that he is destined for the greatness of changing the lives of others, perhaps the course of history, if he throws off the urgings of emotional decision making and the easier path lined with comfort and mediocrity.  Invite him to see - in the midst of sport - more than just a game.

Remember, how your son chooses to play on the fields of friendly strife will be how he ultimately fights the greatest battles of his life.